Overwhelming and Unexplainable..

“Miraculously recover or die. That’s the extent of our cultural bandwidth for chronic illness.”
― S. Kelley Harrell

Maybe you will read the quote above and not understand it, that’s ok. I hope you don’t. For me I read it and I knew it’s truth, it completely hit home. Today I am doing something I normally try not to do. The only thing worse than being chronically ill, is being chronically depressed too. I wake up every morning with the knowledge that I am the master of my own fate. Whether I have a good day or a bad day that is up to me, for the most part. I feel like there’s a little wiggle room in that statement. However your fate is largely up to you, that is entirely true.

Most days I wake up the same way feeling terrible, some days are better or worse than others. But I remember that I have two boys that share my sadness, as well as my happiness. Two boys who have more fun when mommy is positive, upbeat, and active. I must actively decide in the morning each morning what kind of day I will have. I think the problem is this morning in the rush of my late wake up due to my horror inducing lucid dreams I didn’t decide.

My mood is slipping into the blue. Da ba dee da ba die…. (if you don’t get that reference your not a 90’s baby and that is OK)

Anyways the other part to this puzzle is today I’ve been reading a book that is coincidentally required for a health communications class I’m taking in college called “Brain on Fire” its by Susannah Cahalan who is the heroine of this story and I am currently 121 pages deep. This book has sent me through all of her emotions thus far and unfortunately I can relate to some of them. It’s putting my mind in a bit of a funk. For all you spoonies, although it seems hers isn’t a chronic illness (as far as I can tell at this point) it’s definitely a mysterious one, which I can relate to since I am still currently without diagnosis as I know some others are.

Anyways for all of you battling your bodies as well as your minds today, I pray tomorrow is a better day.

Peace, Love, & Books